The day

8/26/2013…For days now I have been hit multiple times with heavy blows. Out if no where the heaviness of the last 5 months takes my breath away and leaves me doubled over. As ready as I am for Lola to be stripped and gone, I am equally unprepared for my femininity to be taken from me. Today I have a double mastectomy.

I woke with an awkward calm. I welcomed the darkness of the early morning, watched my adorable children sleep, and then sought out Derek so I could thank him for keeping our “pack” together. I asked my mom to pray with me and together we leaned on God to stand beside me today and guide the hands of my surgeons.

The drive was too short. My body shook and I couldn’t breathe. I was certain I was not strong enough to do this. Derek held my hand and promised me I wasn’t alone.  Knowing this was true we walked in together.

The entire team of doctors entered my room at some point with such confidence and positive energy that trust started to outweigh fear. Of course, my favorite visitor was the anesthesiologist and his greatly appreciated gift of “happy juice.” My goal was to make a personal connection with each one of them so when they were operating they would never lose sight of who I am; a woman, mom, wife, sister, friend, fighter.

The surgery was about 4 hours followed by an hour of recovery before I was awake enough to see anyone.  Derek was in my room waiting with a bright smile.  He came close, grabbed my hand and told me,”They got it.  All of it.  And so far, the lymph nodes tested  negative.” I’m sure I smiled as relief and fatigue swept over me. I don’t remember much after that except a very peaceful sleep.

Lola, you tried to weasel your way in but you weren’t smart or strong enough.  So long and good bye.