“There is a light and it never goes out.”

 

Hey world! Watch out. I have a new drive and gratitude for life.

Last month, I was fortunate enough to attend a very intimate yet vibrant brunch and local art auction, “Creating For A Cause.” Maybe 200 women and a handful of men joined together decorating bras to honor the many breast cancer fighters, survivors, and lost loved ones. I invited one go my greatest friends and derby gal, Ashlie, to join me. It was a terrible cold, windy, and rainy day but underneath the canopy, away from the elements, you were immediately wrapped in the warmth of love and understanding. It nearly took my breathe away.

We grabbed a few braziers, some feathers, rhinestones, beads, and hot glue and settled ourselves at an open table. The energy was alive under this small tent. There were so many smiles and laughter filled the quiet spaces. I felt for the first time since Lola that I was completely understood without having to say a word. I was at peace with this fight. I was surrounded by women who also felt defined by their cancer and are fighting as hard to keep from losing themselves as they are their disease.

The gluing and decorating slowly switched to watching a beautiful documentary about the local artists who were there and the stories behind the pieces they donated. One of my favorite artists, Leia Belle, was there and I was pleasantly waiting to see her work. I was not prepared for my reaction or my connection to her painting. Before they announced her as the artist, I was already captured by the beauty of the story within it. I found myself so drawn and emotional that I felt compelled to first guard it with my eyes, as the rest of the documentary and art was presented, and then with my body, as I stood near it waiting for them to announce they we’re up for sale.

She lost a friend, who was also a young wife and mother, to breast cancer last year. Her painting is in honor of her and her hard fight. Although the painting represents birthdays she will miss, it was also created to remind her friend that her light will never go out and with each year they will celebrate her.

When I first saw this painting, I saw myself, so thankful for another birthday. But I also saw each and every person who has stood by me through this horrible ordeal. It is because of you never letting go of me that I had the strength to beat Lola.

I immediately called Derek and asked him if I could buy it. Begging, really, that it could be my birthday and Christmas wrapped in one. Not giving him a minute to speak, I continue to try to sell him on the splurge. He finally interrupted me with an, “Of course, it’s yours. You deserve this.” Without a thought I find the woman who is taking payment and watch as she puts a sold sign on the painting. I am in this crazy state of giddiness when Ashlie walks over with Leia Belle. I tell her how amazing she is and how magical this painting is for me. We both get emotional and like a crazed fan I ask her for a photograph.

I am floating as we leave. Feeling more alive and inspired than I have in months. For those of you who are familiar with my house of loving chaos, you will have to see the painting that captured my soul.

Ashlie, I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect friend to have attended this event with. Your kind soul has kept me from allowing myself to become invisible. Long ago, you helped introduce me to the world of roller derby, a time in my life that I needed to be around strong and inspiring woman. You and the other Salt City Derby Girls helped bring out a lost confidence and strength that I continue to draw on. Thank you for “reffing” this fight and keeping it as fair as it can be. I love ya.

Today, I am saying it out loud. Really loud. After 8 months of fear, chemo, surgeries, radiation, and crappy side effects, I am CANCER FREE! And in 5 years, I will scream at the the top of my lungs that, ” I am cured!” Until then, I will open this beautiful gift of life and wrap myself up in it. Happy Birthday to me!