Welcome Back! That is what my 4 year old son said as I shuffled into the house 4 days after a ridiculously complex reconstruction surgery. His bright eyes and eager smile along with his 20 month old sister’s enthusiastic, “Hiiiiiii!” was exactly what I needed.
Cancer gives you no time. No time to process the reality, the fight, or the emotions that in the end seep out. She’s fast and furious and you feel like if you aren’t faster…you may not finish.
There is no amount of research or conversation that can prepare you for this procedure. I thought I knew what to expect. This entire fight I have asked, begged, my doctors, nurses, and other fighters to tell me the worst that could happen; from side effects, scars, appearance, and risks. It has allowed me to feel somewhat prepared and less anxious and a bit stronger and more in control. So, heavy is my heart when I say, that I was underwhelmed and disappointed with this last surgery, that my expectations were higher, and that it has taken me these past 5 weeks to accept and process these thoughts without feeling so much guilt.
Technically, reconstruction using your own tissue is becoming more common and I understood the basics of this procedure. My plastic surgeon is one of the best and I was fortunate and blessed to have him spend over 11 hours recreating my body; his hands were steady, his energy unwavering, and his team strong. He greeted me with an easy grin as I came out of the fog of anesthetic and told me what a success the surgery was.
Physically, the first days felt as though a huge weight was resting on my body. I really wanted to move but knew I wouldn’t because the pain was unbearable and seemed insurmountable. A week into recovery, and I did not have much real pain but I was exhausted. Trying to hold myself up for more more than a few minutes felt impossible. I’d crumble over from a fatigued back and legs and need to rest. Five weeks into recovery and I am walking 30 minutes twice a day and going about life getting stronger. My children have adapted to my limits and have undoubtably become my “little helpers.” I am counting the days until I can hold my sweet girl when she looks at me and says, “Up, mama, pease” and lay with my brave boy as he tells me the tales of his day with vivid imagination.
Emotionally, I am trying to embrace this new body. I created this image and allowed myself to fantasize about my sweet reward for fighting Lola. After a full year of physical changes, hair loss, weight gain, double mastectomy, and numerous smaller procedures and scars, I thought I would embrace anything that resembled the female figure. But it has been difficult. What my doctors call “beautiful” and “almost flawless” looked unrecognizable and raw for weeks before it all started to settle, adapt, and conform to my body. I find myself dressing in the shower at the gym and locking the bedroom door when I’m changing, mirrors are for the neck up, and yoga paints are officially part of my body. I’ve been told that with 2-3 more procedures and another 6 months, my surgeon can continue to rebuild my body. So, I will keep trudging to a healthier me; mind, body, and soul and I will hope and pray that I will accept the end result and regain my self confidence. It is a simple truth that beauty lies within…I will spend my life instilling that truth in myself, my children and those around me.
As for complete healing, there is something to be said about “going home.” I have been wrapped in the warmth of my family these past weeks. They are allowing me a safe and gentle place to get stronger. They have put aside their own struggles to embrace me and their selflessness continues to have me look upon them as my heroes. In my life, I am touched by many. Thank you will never be enough.
Beautiful Mama 
I don’t really have any words this morning, just tears. You continue to amaze me through this entire journey, through the ups and downs and disappointments. You are so beautiful and so strong. I strive to be more like you. I’m happy you are surrounded by your wonderful family. However, I do miss you!! I’m anxiously waiting to say “welcome back” too. 🙂
So glad you are able to rest in your family and grow stronger. I will continue to pray for you and your family. In this world we have become use to instant results. I find myself standing at the microwave telling it to go faster. My Mom would have been in wonder at how fast it cooks when she was my age. Before she had one or they came out. We want instant results in this instant world. The things that mean the most always take time. When we have to wait we tend to appreciate the end product more. It gives us time to spend thinking about it, growing to appreciate it more. Gives us time to be thankful and open our eyes to what really matters. I thank God he has been with you through your illness, and will continue to walk with you. You have encouraged me with your courage, and the lessons you have learned. Love you and know you will finish with grace.
You are one of the most beautiful people I know, Teresa. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
T….I wish there was a way to let you know….truly KNOW…the impact your journey, your faith, your strength and courage have impacted lives. My mom always talked about her “ripples” – that was us! She said there was no way she could effect change in the world, but through her ripples she would leave her mark. That meant the responsibility was on our shoulders, and now on my children’s shoulders – and that includes you and Heather and Angelina and Susan and Jason and Kase……I can only do what I do and live my life with love and grace, hoping that by example others will see the joy and peace that life brings.
You, my dear, have more grace and joy in your life than most people are ever blessed to experience. Are there trials? You betcha!! But sweetie, you show each of us, everyday, how to walk as a child of the Light, how to love beyond the fear, and how to accept unquestioningly.
I am so proud of you, and I wish I could wave a magic wand to fix everything (unfortunately, witches like me don’t get a magic wand…we just get to stumble and try not to fall!) I am sharing this with “someone special” who is walking this road right now. She too is a remarkable woman with a strength that is beyond my mere mortal ability to understand.
I know that the hours in the day can seem interminable…hold onto the fact that you are not alone – EVER! I love you, I am proud of you. (and I secretly strut like a peacock when I remember that I was a part of your life – and didn’t screw it up!!)